MIAMI, FL – There’s a cloud hanging over the city of Miami, and it’s not a cumulonimbus. That cloud is the Miami Marlins and the rain coming down from it is Derek Jeter’s bad decisions. Every story we’ve heard focuses on the removal of faces like Giancarlo Stanton, Christian Yelich, Dee Gordon, established front office personnel, and even Marlins Man. It’s safe to say that Jeter hasn’t made any friends in his brief tenure as owner of the Miami Marlins. Actually, it’s quite literal. Derek Jeter doesn’t have a single friend in the entire city of Miami.
This has proven to be detrimental to the team. As ticket sales have drastically declined in the early goings of the 2018 season, no one has helped Jeter remedy this with ideas or actions. This leaves the former Yankees captain to handle it all on his own. First, Jeter started out simple by hiring a team of sign spinners to stand outside the stadium two hours before gametime. Unwisely, Jeter only paid them 40% of their asking price, so none of them showed up. Jeter then took it upon himself to drum up some buzz. Unfortunately, while attempting to spin the sign between his legs, Jeter poked the eye of a 5 year old fan waiting in line to attend the game. It is confirmed the injury happened before the ticket was scanned. To make matters worse, Jeter is now in a legal battle with the family and has been unable to settle out of court. Sources say he has offered season tickets, free of charge, but the family is refusing on the basis that they want something with actual value.
Jeter has also tried his hand at fan engagement by tweeting out a poll of potential team names the organization could switch too. The options were “Miami Vices,” “Miami Traders” after the city’s booming off shore drug trade, “Miami Willeniums” named after Will Smith’s Grammy winning album “Willenium” featuring hit song, “Welcome To Miami,” and “Miami Cubans.” The final option sparked immediate outrage from twitter users and Jeter quickly tried to clarify that he meant the sandwiches. Unfortunately, before he could tweet it out, his account had been suspended by Twitter for Violations of Terms of Service.
Since, Jeter has recused himself from all ticket based decisions and has spent his time trying to remove the centerfield sculpture by himself with a sledgehammer and a roll of sandpaper.