WASHINGTON D.C. – As the Alabama Crimson Tide football team exited their busses and entered 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. there was a nervous excitement in the air. Some marvelled at the epicenter of American democracy, others were tense from being in the presence of a controversial president, and Nick Saban was trying to sneak back on the bus to drive it to neighboring St. John’s College High School to meet a 5 star recruit. They entered the main lawn, looked up and saw the banner that read “National Champions: UCF Golden Knights.” Now the knight mascot greeting them made more sense. To make matters worse, as the President ran through his speech it become clear that he was just as surprised as the team.
“It is my distinct honor to welcome the Alabama Crimson Knights… Tide! What an unbelievable season. I mean, you beat Auburn for God’s sake. Yes, we still say “God” here. He’s a very good friend of mine. As I scrolled through twitter and saw great alumni like Blake Bortles, Storm Johnson, Mike Sims-Walker, and Tim Tebow sing your praises, I just knew I had to have you all here. While it’s a beautiful day, it’s nothing compared to the great weather you have down there in Flori…bama. Something you’re coach will undoubtedly miss when he’s in Nebraska. He’ll soon see another meaning to the word “Frost” if you know what I mean… nevermind.”
The President looked down at his speech and triumphantly crumpled it up and threw it away and continued to speak off-script.
“You know what I like about these guys? And believe me, I like these guys, they’re uniform is the same color as all the states that voted for me. Did you all vote for me? Nevermind. Everyone voted for me. Anyway, my favorite player if your young quarterback, Tua Taga… Taglia…Tagavagina? What a great player. The best player I’ve ever seen. From the second he stepped on the field in the first quarter, I knew it was over. Ask anyone, I said ‘this game is over’ and 4 quarters later, it was.”
The president continued on for 10 more minutes while Nick Saban repeatedly reached into his duffel bag and smashed one headset on the ground after another.