There’s A 99% Chance Johnny Manziel Has Kidnapped Baker Mayfield

CLEVELAND, OH – The emergence of former Oklahoma Quarterback Baker Mayfield in this years NFL Draft left many to wonder if his talents would translate to the next level. As experts often do, they turn to history to serve as a benchmark for evaluating prospects, and Mayfield was no different. Many would lazily turn to Doug Flutie when citing his ability to execute outside the pocket or Drew Brees when assessing his passing. Others with a recency bias would look to former Browns quarterback, Johnny Manziel, as a match on the field and an indicator off it. As it turns out, that comparison is shared by more than just draft experts. All signs point to Johnny Manziel agreeing with this notion, as evidenced by his sudden presence at the Cleveland Browns practice facility, and Mayfield’s abrupt disappearance from all team activities.

Local authorities have started to search for this year’s 1st overall pick and have identified Manziel as a person of interest. Manziel flew to Cleveland last Friday morning, not before selflessly giving up his 1st class seat to a veteran. Unfortunately, the airline had overbooked the flight and, due to fear of anything being caught on cell phone video, they did not force Manziel to exit the flight. Instead, the crew moved around some luggage in an overhead compartment to allow Manziel to lie down. After landing, witnesses say Manziel entered a dollar store and purchased a trucker hat, a Ron Swanson themed fake mustache, 2$ sunglasses, and a Brock Osweiler Browns jersey in the “For Sale” section. Later that day, witness accounts of an unfamiliar face buying a spool of rope and duct tape at Home Depot surfaced. Employees say he introduced himself as “Chef Junewater.”

Since those reports, Mayfield has not been seen, and Manziel has not left the team facility. Needing someone to run the 2nd team offense, Coach Hue Jackson had to be realistic. Joel Stave certainly can’t be the guy and Drew Stanton has established himself as the best clipboard holder in the modern era. Can’t risk losing that by having him inside the sidelines. So wouldn’t you know it, Manziel got the nod. In his first day at practice, He went 4 of 10 passing for 53 yards and 1 interception.

In other news, the Browns have hired a plumbing company to inspect their pipes as there’s been an odd groaning sound coming from the boiler room all weekend.

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