TAMPA BAY, FL – In the days since closing out the series against the Bruins on Saturday, the Lightning have realized that there’s more to be worried about than the Eastern Conference Finals. Half the team has been diagnosed with Mono after sharing the ice with serial provocateur/tripper/licker, Brad Marchand. It all started when Marchand exhibited his newfound tactic of licking on Lighting Assistant Captain Ryan Callahan.
The Lightning went on to win the game and Callahan was able to enjoy a nice sleep, as he was understandably tired, and sleep he did. Then he kept sleeping… for 13 more hours. He arrived to the team facility 5 hours late in a panic. “What am I going to tell coach?” he tried to say to himself. That’s when he realized his throat was too sore to speak. Uh oh. He entered the locker room to see the entire space empty, except for Captain, Steven Stamkos, sleeping on the floor with his iPhone alarm blaring. The alarm was actually the song “Toxic” by Brittany Spears, which Callahan thought was weird, but he didn’t have time to ask questions. He ran through the halls trying to find anyone to answer his questions until he ended up in the training room. There, he saw his entire team hudled around a laptop. He got closer and saw that they were scrolling through WebMD. They were all exhausted, sore, feverish, among other things. They typed in their symptoms, pressed “enter” and their fears were realized: they had cancer.
Just then, a team Doctor busted through the door and explained to the now weeping group of men that they’d all tested positive for mono. A sigh of relief went through the room. “It’s just mono, guys!” said Defender, Ryan McDonough, as he playfully punched Alex Killorn in the ribs. Killorn then collapsed and was rushed to the hospital to get his ruptured spleen removed.