After Months Of Thinking About It, I’ve Finally Figured Out How To Fix The Holy Cross Mascot Issue. Zay Jones.

A story isn’t dead if you bring it back to life.

In case you aren’t aware, The College Of Holy Cross (NOT Holy Cross College (that’s in Indiana)) announced three months ago that they are removing their mascot, a knight, to distance themselves from the problematic history of the crusades while simultaneously maintaining their nickname, the Crusaders. As you’d imagine, this has sparked outrage from students and alumni alike, and who could blame them? School pride is a great thing to have. However, I have a solution that will fix the whole thing and leave both sides happy. Make Zay Jones the new mascot for Holy Cross.

For those who don’t remember, around the same time as this announcement a video was released of Zay Jones going on a naked rampage through a hotel. In the video, his brother, Cayleb, attempts to restrain him but is unsuccessful and chaos ensues. Unrealted: Cayleb got bopped for PEDs a few weeks later. I have to imagine with a stronger prescription, he’d have had better luck holding Zay down. Next time. Anyway, Zay displayed the true Crusader spirit in claiming he was willing to fight for Jesus. Think being naked is an issue? Get outta my grill. That’s the PERFECT outfit to wear when you consider the last mascot was covered head to toe in armor. There is no bigger 180 than being fully clothed one minute then fully disrobed the next. It’s always better. Like, which would you rather have, a Bloomingdale’s catalog or a Playboy? I’m sure a Catholic school such as Holy Cross would agree with me.

Even if that’s too much for the administration to handle, there’s a great way to spin it. Just say Zay represents that you are going back to your religious roots. Back to the beginning. That’s right, I’m talking about Cain and Abel. Zay was fighting his brother, Cayleb, which is an obvious anagram for bc Abel. So when a millennial texts the administration, “why the mascot change?” They can simply reply “bc Abel” which translates to, “because Able,” which every millennial will understand.

I don’t think a school has been saved this well since Sister Act 2. Take it away Deloris.

P.S. – Also consider changing your name to the CruZayders. Just a thought.

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