Being Unemployed Has Sent Me Down The Weirdest Sports Rabbit Holes That Cable Has To Offer

I’m unemployed right now so I’m watching every single sport you can imagine. French Open? Yup. European Golf Tour? Yes, but only because of the announcers. One time they used the word “supple” to describe the fairway. I have no idea if that even makes sense, but it was amazing. I thought that word was only used to describe breasts, but I digress. Before you ask, yeah the Tour makes its way in also. With names like Wes Roach, Bo Hoag, Kramer Hickok, and Wyndham Clark I never really had a choice. College Softball? I can rattle off the Oklahoma and Flordia State rosters faster than you can say Jenny Finch. I’ve even stumbled upon foreign soccer matches but have been wildly disappointed that the commentators don’t yell “GOALLLLLL” for 90 minutes straight.

It’s a weird world, man. At first I thought I was going to be able to get by watching First Take, but after watching Kellerman stammer his way through every opinion he has, I change the channel because I don’t want to get to a place where I actually want Skip Bayless in my life again. Then, even if you are able to make it through that*, you get punched in the face by Outside The Lines new and improved intro song which makes Bob Ley look like the forgotten member of the team from Spotlight. It’s just to much. Therefore, weird sports.

I don’t even know if I’m complaining. I used to hate it, but now I’m indifferent. That has to be the first stage of Stockholm Syndrome, right? What I do know is to cope with the obscurity, my gambling has increased by about 245% and the only time I’ve gotten money is when Serena dropped out against Sharapova and I just got my money back.

After reading all of this, I think I should go apply to a few jobs. Talk to you guys later.

*I honestly don’t think First Take has an established time slot. It just starts and ends whenever they feel like. They’re like ESPN’s version of Game of Thrones at this point.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s