Where In The Hell Is Dez Bryant?

It’s been months since Dez Bryant was kind of surprisingly let go from the Dallas Cowboys, and he still hasn’t signed. That’s ridiculous, right? I know that people love citing how many drops he had last year, I know his numbers haven’t fully justified his contract, I know he’s become more of a prototype asshole than a prototype receiver, but if the NFL has proven anything it’s that none of these things are enough to keep a player off the field. People aren’t aware of how puzzling this is. Like my 4 year old niece, Dez loves to talk and say dumb shit. But this guy hasn’t made a peep in weeks. That’s an indicator of something deeper and I have an idea to explain it.

I don’t think it’s that out of the question to consider the fact that Dez is refusing to join a team until Tony Romo comes out of retirement. After all, his struggles really set in once Dak Prescott got behind center. Dez was so good with Tony Romo that we forgot Dez almost got blackmailed out of the league via leaked security tape. Those two were so prolific that, every week, Cowboy fans actually thought Romo wouldn’t throw a pick in the 4th quarter. That’s talent! So one rookie QB gets thrown in the mix and the guy is unsignable? It’s not adding up, man. If you ask me, Dez Bryant has been calling Tony Romo non-stop for a comeback. If his calls are now blocked, he’s writing letters. Romo changed his address? Dez is hiring a private investigator to find him. You’re just not stopping the guy. I like to imagine Tony Romo hiding in his office at CBS, lights off, desk phone unplugged, iPhone on airplane mode, praying to God that he can whether the storm. I don’t think he ever thought he’d have a crazier break up with an ex


Get it?

than the one he had with Jessica Simpson, but here we are.

Listen, I hate Dez Bryant. He’s the only victim of the unintelligible catch rule that I don’t feel bad for. As far as I’m concerned, if you keep the same type of facial hair for 5+ years, you’re a walking red flag. But there are more red flags in the NFL than there are people that have never heard of this website. So, no, talent is not the reason Dez Bryant is still unemployed.

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