Tennis Has An Adderall Problem

If you’re like me, your bosses are out for the day and to cope with the monotony of cube life, you fired up ESPN Watch to catch the Wimbledon Semi-Final between Kevin Anderson and John Isner. Holy shit what a match. If you haven’t seen HBO’s “Seven Days In Hell” starring Andy Samberg and Kit Harrington, I recommend you don’t. It’s highly overrated. That aside, today’s match was as close as we’ll get to that in real life. Six and a half plus hours of tennis largely based on a final set that Anderson won 26-24. I don’t know about you, but the only times I’ve had the focus to do anything of that duration have required chemical help. Like I am not a productive member at work without Adderall. When I don’t take it… well, you can’t tell, because I take the same amount of bathroom breaks to get through the mindlessness. Anyway, there’s no way these tennis players aren’t in the exact same boat as me. No way at all. We’ve known for a while that Adderall and other stimulants have made their way into football, baseball, NASCAR, poker, e-sports, etc. but never a gentleman’s game like this. Personally, I thought a sport of this social status would opt towards high class drugs. Cocaine, LSD, heroin; you know, the classics. I guess I was wrong. I guess these athletes are slumming it at the CVS pharmacy counter like the rest of us.

I’m rambling, but this drug use needs to stop. Like all drug use in sports, my concerns aren’t for the athlete’s health. It’s for mine. I can’t watch a tennis match for 6 and a half hours. No one can. Networks know this too, why do you think you see at least three John McEnroe screaming highlights per match? These drugs will ruin the sport because no one will want to waste a quarter of the day watching an American that isn’t Roddick, Aggasi, or Sampras. Crack down on this problem, tennis. Let justice be… (wait for  it) SERVED!

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