Whose Dick Does Aaron Donald Have to Suck To Be A Multimillionaire?

What did Todd Gurley in 3 years and Brandon Cooks in 3 months do that Aaron Donald couldn’t do in 4 years? You’d assume a team that’s trying to really turn into the skid of tinsel town with their stud head coach and GM who should be a L’Oréal hair model would try to keep the best defensive player in the league. You might say that offense is sexier and that’s going to get eyeballs, and that’s true, sure, but this guy is better alone than most NFL offenses are with 11 men on the field.

Is Los Angeles just so left that they can’t associate themselves with anything that has the word “Donald” attached to it? Come to think of it, that might be the reason. The last thing ownership would want is to be the epicenter of the next great NFL protest movement. I imagine a bunch of Los… Angelans(?) locking arms and blocking the entry from locker room the field as if its I-5. Naturally, and unfortunately, they don’t watch football and don’t know that this is far more dangerous than any freeway in America.

Maybe the league is scared to sign a defensive tackle to a 9-digit contract after all the shit Ndamukong Suh put the Dolphins through for the last 3 years. That’s fine, but there’s two main differences here: 1. Aaron Donald is not asshole. Maybe its revisionist history, but was it really surprising that Suh went from on-field liability to practice field douchebag when he got his 100 mill? Spoiler alert: no. 2. Ndamukong Suh has already received a new contract from the Rams this year. Awkward.

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Or Stan Kroenke has no idea how to neg. If that’s the case, Stan, let me help you. We got a weekend coming up. Sit down tomorrow and watch Season 1 of “The Pickup Artist.” It didn’t help me get any girls in 8th grade, but maybe it can help you keep a grown man now.

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