The First Mid-Season Firing Of The NFL Season Needs To Be Jason Witten

Hue Jackson, Jason Garrett, and Mike Tomlin can relax for the time being (not really, Hue. You’re fucked.) because they are far from the hottest seat in football right now. Their seats, compared to Jason Witten’s, are the same as sitting down at a work toilet that’s still warm from the last guy. Uncomfortable, yes, but it could be worse. Anyone that has tuned into the last few Monday Night Football broadcasts has had the same thought about Jason Witten, I’m sure. I, admittedly, went into his hiring a little bit biased. “Wait, they did what? That can’t be good for chemistry,” I thought. Coincidentally, I said the exact same thing about the Giants signing Brandon Marshall last year. Look how that turned out.

First, I don’t like his hair. Something that Jason Witten always had going for him was his baby face. I know that sounds like an insult, but he wore it well. When he was balding, it fit. It made sense. Now? Same face, new hair. It’s like a baby who’s parents dress him as Trump for Halloween.


Just weird.

Second, the guy doesn’t speak. When he does, it’s just panicked cliche’s. “Jordan Howard is the x-factor when he gets going.” Really, Jason? Is he? Is the starting running back dangerous when he’s able to run? Granted, this is a guy who blocked for Julis Jones, Marion Barber, and Felix Jones, so this may be new to him, but still. I hear the same shit from most Patriot’s fans at the bar when James White runs for seven yards. It’s stupid. Which shouldn’t be that surprising.  He went to University of Tennessee, the same school that thought hiring Butch Jones was a good idea, so that also may not be his fault. Point is, there needs to be change. Now, I know you can’t ask for change without proposing a solution, so here’s my two cents.

Papa John*


He has experience in front of the camera. It may take some time to convince him it’s okay to focus on the game for 99% of the broadcast, but I think he’ll come around. Also, the bar is SO LOW for anyone taking over. All they have to do is literally say anything and they’ll be fine. And as we’ve learned from recent events, Papa John has no problem saying any kind of word.

Brogan Roback


The star of this past season’s Hard Knocks is still a free agent, potentially black listed from the NFL, but that’s another blog for another time. He’s got everything you need; the hair, the looks, the IQ needed for a color analyst, and he’s able to relate to millennials better than anyone else on ESPN, as evidenced by his hot date this past summer.

ESPN can also capitalize on his relationship. They’ve seen how much success they’ve had with J Lo crashing every other baseball broadcast with A-Rod. It would definitely work with the slightly hotter version of Dennis Reynolds’ desert trash from Always Sunny.


That GIF is actually how I’d like/expect to see it go.

Jon Gruden


Come back, Jon. I miss you. I need you.




*I was once in Orlando for a work conference. The hotel I stayed in was also having a Papa John’s convention. That’s a thing that exists. Crazy, I know. Anyway I was in the elevator at one point and with me was a guy with a tag that had his name and job title at Papa Johns on it. He was the VP of Toppings, and I’ve never had more questions for someone in my life. I think about him once a week.

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