Eli Manning Needs To Start Taking Saquon’s Blood If He Wants To Be Good

I mean why the fuck not at this point. Eli Manning is done, his legs are done, his arm is done, his brain is done (not due to CTE. I got you’re back, Mr. Goodell). It’s terrifying because there is no other option. Even if I did think putting Kyle Lauletta behind center was a good idea, all we’d do is destroy his I-AA confidence as he struggles to stay upright as Nate Solder flails around like a car dealership tube man.

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Bottomline, watching the Giants offense try to execute anything is like watching me fumbling around during foreplay. Speaking of hitting all the wrong holes, that brings me to my next point, Saquon Barkley. I’m not saying that’s what he does, as the O-Line doesn’t give him any holes to run through. He simply forces them open on his own, which, while problematic in 2018, gets the job done.

No matter which you slice it, Barkley is the only one that is universally viewed as a bright spot on this team that is, conversely, a black hole to my good mood. He can do it all. Run, catch, jump, hit, spin, run some more. He has so many muscles in his legs, I bet you could use them to replace any ligaments his teammates might tear over the course of the season. That said, the Giants already have his skills, and his teammates don’t need his muscles, they need his blood.

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If you don’t remember, billionaire and PayPal founder, Peter Thiel

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came out in 2016 to say he believed the secret to eternal life was by transfusing his blood with that of a youthful, healthy donor. While he is proving my belief that all billionaires are just rewired serial killers, this idea is not as crazy as I used to think it was. I mean, hey, I’m desperate here. That, combined with Todd McShay’s evaluation that Barkley is a team player makes this the perfect solution.

Just 3-5 sessions, a little prick, and they’ll be fine. As long as Saquon doesn’t have the wherewithal of Michael Scott, this will work. But let’s be honest, this is Saquon Barkley we’re talking about. He’s more of a Shrute when it comes to this stuff.

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