I No Longer Look Up To My Ex-Hero, Draymond Green

Everyone knows about this story by now. Ever since Draymond Green’s bench spat with Kevin Durant, everyone has been trying to get the deets on what was said, myself included. Not for gossip’s sake, but to learn. See, I’ve admired Draymond. Always have. I’ve tried to follow in his footsteps ever since I learned about him in his college days. People don’t know this, but the reason I’m chubby is directly because of Draymond. If this guy can look like that and still be a top-tier athlete, I can certainly be fat and sit in a chair calling strangers all day. The guy was even a horrible tight end when he was younger, just like me!

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No, High School wasn’t rough. Why do you ask? But I digress.

Granted, that’s just lifestyle and youth sports stuff. Now that he’s a professional, like me, I’ve been adopting his philosophies on the court to my sales floor. For the most part, they work well. Being confident, the mindset of an underdog, hard working, etc. All great traits to have in sales. In hindsight, kicking someone from another company in the balls was a bad move.

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Hand up on that one.

Well, fast forward to the other night. All the details are out on what was said and I did what I always do. Follow in my hero’s footsteps. So when I read Bleacher Report’s story on what happened, I knew what I had to do.

…Green reportedly called Durant a “b—h” several times as well, which contributed to the Warriors’ decision to suspend Green for Tuesday’s 110-103 win over the Atlanta Hawks.

After all, I’ve been working hard, right? It’s not easy to consistently convince your boss that not hitting my quota is okay. I think, if anything, if I can pull that off it show’s how good at sales I am. Anyway, I wanted a day off, sue me.

So I went up to my boss, the Kevin Durant of our team, and called him bitch. Like a lot. I know the article said “several” but I’ll admit I got carried away. He just stared at me, mouth open, then said “I need to talk to you in my office.” I got excited, how could I not? I was about to get tomorrow off! Then the last thing I ever thought happened.

WARNING! NSFW VIDEO BELOW

Clearly, I’ve made a terrible life choice. I need a new role model. Charles Barkley seems like a good guy.

Fuck.

 

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