I Need To Be A D-Lineman In The AFC South

Like most of you, I lie awake in bed thinking about get rich quick schemes. Naturally, these present themselves as an intermission between the classics such as, “How can I peacefully, non-tragically, die by tomorrow so I can avoid work?” or “Seriously, how hard is it to rob a bank at gunpoint?” and, of course, “I need to close this porn video. It’s been 30 seconds, and I’m ashamed.”

But I really think I figured it out. It happened as I was watching last night’s Thursday Night Football game between the Tennessee Titans and Jacksonville Jaguars. I was initially excited because everyone who’s a football fan knows this is the original TNF game. Given the time of the year, this is my, “It’s a Wonderful Life.” It’s something I’ve seen for years growing up and it always awakens a childlike nostalgia.

Now, I gave up on my NFL dreams in 10th grade. Once I realized how white I, in fact, was, without any comparable quickness suitable for 6’0 (6’1 in cleats) wide receivers. My coach knew this too, and moved me to Tight End because, “I can tell you love to block.” I’ve been shattered ever since. Until last night.

At some point in the second quarter, Pro Bowl defensive tackle, Jurrell Casey, sacked QB Cody Kessler and I realized something. The AFC south has been the home of such horrible quarterbacks for so long that it’s inflated the sack numbers of the division’s d-lineman.

Look at this, outside of Andrew Luck with the Colts, look at the other guys these teams have played 6 times per year.


Texans qbs.PNG


Titans QBs.PNG


Jags QBs.PNG

No wonder these defenses are so fucking good. In all seriousness, is JJ Watt the biggest fraud going in the NFL? Everyone likes to point to all the adjustments made to enhance QB stats, and that’s fair, there’s a reason we’re seeing multiple 5,000+ seasons regularly. Matt Stafford isn’t that good, trust me. But holy shit, these QBs are directly responsible for multiple Defensive MVP awards, Pro Bowl berths, and life-altering contracts.

So this is what I have to do now. I have to be a d-lineman in the AFC south. I obviously have a lot of experience on the line of scrimmage, thanks to my coach, who clearly saw my potential years before anyone else. Coach, I’m sorry for hating you all those years ago.*

If guys like Dereck Morgan, Marcel Darius, and Jabaal Sheard can have success, so can I. I can’t wait. The one thing I’m worried about is doing leg workouts. I’ve tried squats once since high school and my legs seized up on the second set. True story.

See you all in Canton.

*Coach, I’m sorry I anonymously called the school’s athletic director claiming you were taking pictures of us in the locker room. Well, I was always sorry, mainly because they knew it was me. Now I’m sorry because it was wrong.

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