Can I Say The Patriots Are Fine? Or Are You All Just Going To Freak Out?

Guys, you lost two games. Holy shit. Calm the fuck down. You lost a total fluke game to  Miami. Yessss, I know, the Dolphins always play you hard at home. Do you know who else does? Pretty much every home team in a divisional game. And you had a bad game against the Steelers. That’s all it was. So stop reading into it. It was just a bad game. I honestly can’t believe the crying I’ve seen from New England fans in the last 48 hours.

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You’ve been spoiled by your success so much that the slightest thing goes wrong and it’s the end of the fucking world. This is a city filled with stars of My Super Sweet 16 when their Mercedes is black instead of red.

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They lost two games and I don’t think there’s been this many men this scared since Normandy.

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Let me be clear, I’m not coming at you with a, “you guys don’t even know how hard it is” tone. I mean, you don’t, but that’s not what I’m saying. I’m just saying you’re being ridiculous. You’re the New England fucking Patriots.

So dry your eyes.

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Take a deep breath.

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And give me a smile. You look so much prettier when you smile.

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Come on. That’s not a smile!

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Allllmossst. Let me see a real smile!

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There we go! Don’t you feel better now?

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Fuck it, I tried. You guys are hopeless.

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