Guys, you lost two games. Holy shit. Calm the fuck down. You lost a total fluke game to  Miami. Yessss, I know, the Dolphins always play you hard at home. Do you know who else does? Pretty much every home team in a divisional game. And you had a bad game against the Steelers. That’s all it was. So stop reading into it. It was just a bad game. I honestly can’t believe the crying I’ve seen from New England fans in the last 48 hours.

You’ve been spoiled by your success so much that the slightest thing goes wrong and it’s the end of the fucking world. This is a city filled with stars of My Super Sweet 16 when their Mercedes is black instead of red.

They lost two games and I don’t think there’s been this many men this scared since Normandy.

Let me be clear, I’m not coming at you with a, “you guys don’t even know how hard it is” tone. I mean, you don’t, but that’s not what I’m saying. I’m just saying you’re being ridiculous. You’re the New England fucking Patriots.

So dry your eyes.

Take a deep breath.

And give me a smile. You look so much prettier when you smile.

Come on. That’s not a smile!

Allllmossst. Let me see a real smile!

There we go! Don’t you feel better now?

Fuck it, I tried. You guys are hopeless.