In the last few weeks we’ve seen videos pop up that shows NFL players, specifically Jacksonville’s Leonard Fournette and LA’s Marcus Peters, getting fed up with fans and walking to the stands to square up. Which I’m a huge supporter of. When you’re at work and people are acting out of line, sometimes you have to speak up.
Just the other day, a guy on my sales floor had control of the bluetooth and skipped through every song that wasn’t trap. After skipping Billy Joel’s Uptown Girl I had enough. Blind with rage, much like these NFL players, I stormed over to him and said “Hey man, can you stop skipping the songs? No worries if not.” Showed him.
But every time I see one of these videos, I always think about how terrified these people must be when they realize the genetic anomaly they’re yelling at has the capability of hearing and anger. I mean, to be fair to the fans, it’s easy to forget these athletes are human when they literally do inhuman shit in front of our eyes every week. It’s not an excuse to be an asshole, but it happens. Does your brain just shut off as a defense mechanism? I mean, if they got their hands on you, it’d be like a scene out of Predator.
I think it’s pretty obvious that any NFL player fighting anyone, even a group, would look like this.
But there have to be some guys the average Joe can handle, right? I mean if Buster Douglas can beat Mike Tyson at 42-1 odds, there’s hope.
If that’s not a hell of a segue, than I don’t know what is. So let’s look at 5 players I picked for a list that no one asked for.
5) Kyle Fuller – Cornerback – Chicago Bears
For this, we just need to look at the tale of the tape.
All you have to do is be 260 lbs and you can toss this guy around like a President would a coin.
4) Jimmy Clausen – Quarterback – Retired
I know he shouldn’t count, but I have to include him. People forget that Jimmy played his last two games at Notre Dame with black eye after getting socked by a student at a bar. He was an established asshole in his time there, but with assholes, the only roads you should take are the high road or the back road (much easier route in my experience), so that isn’t enough reason to fight a guy like this.
But this is.
This fuckin’ guy.
3) Terrelle Pryor – Wide Receiver – Free Agent
Usually I don’t approach guys that are 6’5 and named Terrelle. Every man’s gotta have a code. But it’s a lot easier to win a fight without actually having to fight.
I try this move, he jerks back so hard he falls, then who knows what can happen. I mean it worked in Million Dollar Baby, right?
A win’s a win.
2) Mark Sanchez – Quarterback – Washington Redskins
I know QB’s kind of sound like a cop out compared to other positions, but don’t tell me Sanchez isn’t tough after the years of internet beatings he’s taken. But, similar to Pryor, this would be a quick fight.
1) Chris Conte – Safety – Tampa Bay Buccaneers
This is no joke the easiest one out there. All you have to do is literally just run at him, he’ll run too, run right by you, trip, then you just ground and pound. Don’t believe me? See for yourself.
And so so much more.
So yeah, that’s it.
End of blog.
P.S. I wanted to add Tom Brady here, but Kevin Youkilis is his brother-in-law.
If you left that guy in the woods, he’d survive solely off eating tree bark. No thanks.