Bills – Universal Healthcare.

Dolphins – A white Christmas.

Jets – A neuralizer from Men In Black.

Patriots – Tissues, for 2 reasons. 1) To dry their tears from all the hysteria two losses has brought. 2) To clean up after thinking about their ex, Jimmy Garoppolo. We’ve all been there.

Bengals – A Hue Jackson Voodoo Doll. A Huedoo Doll.

Browns – A Hue Jackson Voodoo doll.

Ravens – Add a “2” in front of Lamar Jackson’s “8.”

Steelers – Nothing. They already beat the Patriots. Season’s over.

Colts – A rookie linebacker good enough to make the Pro Bowl.

Jaguars – A Monopoly hat for Shad Khan.

Texans – A Red Ryder BB Gun.

Titans – A mascot that makes sense.

Broncos – This guy.

Chargers –  Halftime soccer match so fans actually come to the Stubhub Center.

Chiefs –  Auto-tune for Patrick Mahomes.

Raiders – Nathan Peterman. Christmas came early.

Cowboys – The Doctor from Get Out to keep Jerry Jones going.

Eagles – A quarterback everyone can universally hate. They’re struggling with two likable ones.

Giants – Tom Coughlin.

Redskins – A shorter list. You can’t have a better field, cheaper parking, a better team, cheaper seats, a better name…. wait, my bad. You just wrote a new owner. My bad.

Bears – Jon Gruden. Guy’s the best coach the Bears have had since ’85.

Lions – An Etiquette Class.

Packers – A percocet prescription. Gotta R-E-L-A-X somehow.

Vikings – $80 million dollars.

Buccaneers – A magic show.

Falcons – A sobriety pledge.

Panthers – A legitimate concussion protocol.

Saints – A lump of coal to remind them they can always be better.

49ers – Giovanni Carmazzi.

Cardinals – Someone to actually get the Red Sea (their fan base) moving. Josh…

Rams – Ryan Gosling to sustain a facial injury so everyone stops comparing him to Jarred Goff.

Seahawks – Bo Callahan.