Bills – Universal Healthcare.
Dolphins – A white Christmas.
Jets – A neuralizer from Men In Black.
Patriots – Tissues, for 2 reasons. 1) To dry their tears from all the hysteria two losses has brought. 2) To clean up after thinking about their ex, Jimmy Garoppolo. We’ve all been there.
Bengals – A Hue Jackson Voodoo Doll. A Huedoo Doll.
Browns – A Hue Jackson Voodoo doll.
Ravens – Add a “2” in front of Lamar Jackson’s “8.”
Steelers – Nothing. They already beat the Patriots. Season’s over.
Colts – A rookie linebacker good enough to make the Pro Bowl.
Jaguars – A Monopoly hat for Shad Khan.
Texans – A Red Ryder BB Gun.
Titans – A mascot that makes sense.
Broncos – This guy.
Chargers – Halftime soccer match so fans actually come to the Stubhub Center.
Chiefs – Auto-tune for Patrick Mahomes.
Raiders – Nathan Peterman. Christmas came early.
Cowboys – The Doctor from Get Out to keep Jerry Jones going.
Eagles – A quarterback everyone can universally hate. They’re struggling with two likable ones.
Giants – Tom Coughlin.
Redskins – A shorter list. You can’t have a better field, cheaper parking, a better team, cheaper seats, a better name…. wait, my bad. You just wrote a new owner. My bad.
Bears – Jon Gruden. Guy’s the best coach the Bears have had since ’85.
Lions – An Etiquette Class.
Packers – A percocet prescription. Gotta R-E-L-A-X somehow.
Vikings – $80 million dollars.
Buccaneers – A magic show.
Falcons – A sobriety pledge.
Panthers – A legitimate concussion protocol.
Saints – A lump of coal to remind them they can always be better.
49ers – Giovanni Carmazzi.
Cardinals – Someone to actually get the Red Sea (their fan base) moving. Josh…
Rams – Ryan Gosling to sustain a facial injury so everyone stops comparing him to Jarred Goff.
Seahawks – Bo Callahan.