I Discovered The Greatest Sport In The World Over New Years

Welcome back! I hope everyone’s holidays, and New Year, (unless the New Year is also classified as a “holidays”) treated you well. Both Christmas and NYE provided their highs and lows for me. Christmas peaked when my youngest, adored, brother was caught by our parents for possession of a grade 1 drug (marajuana) and getting in trouble. Look’s like the golden boy got knocked down to silver. The rock bottom was sticking my head in his room the next day, only to realize it had the same level of visibility that Sandra Bullock had in Birdbox (topicallllll), and hearing my dad’s voice, through the mist, say “shut the door, narc.”

When I got caught at his age, I got sent to my 3rd cousin’s apple orchard upstate to work for the summer. True story, but I’m not bitter.

While Christmas’s peak led to it’s eventual valley, New Year’s was the complete inverse. I came down with a cold the day before New Years Eve, which sucks, because every year I think, “if I HAVE to get sick, I’d rather it be a cold.” And every year it happens and I realize, “Right, there’s no such thing as good sick. I’m dying.” Why we don’t have 5k’s to cure the common cold is beyond me. In hindsight, I think eradicating polio was a poor decision by comparison, it could have thinned out the herd a bit, or maybe at least removed some of the guys ahead of me on my high school football depth chart…

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but I digress.

Anyway, as a result of the sickness, I couldn’t do anything for the Eve, which was actually good in and of itself, but it got even better. When I was sitting on the couch, watching TV, my roommate said the worst sentence in sports, “Hey, can you change the channel to FS1, there’s a race on.” I groaned.  He’s been trying to get me into NASCAR for a year now, and I just can’t do it. My life is repetitive enough, I don’t need that reality relayed to me, symbolically, through a circular race track. I get it, I’m a hamster on a wheel of life, fuck.

But I granted his wish, and my life was changed forever.

Have you ever played Mario Kart? Of course you have. Have you ever thought about how cool it would be if that could exist in real life? Of course you have. Well luckily, some psychopath thought the same thing, while, I assume, on a diet that exclusively consisted of cocaine infused Four Loko. May I present to you Stadium Super Trucks.

(optional, but encouraged, to listen too while you watch)

Stadium Super Trucks, for the uninformed, involves hyper-suped up pick up tracks on a short track that includes, and I shit you not, JUMPS!

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Fucking jumps, man!

The result of which is an 8 (or so) lap race, which contains more explosive action then a Jerry  Bruckheimer flick.

The league is filled with Paul Walkers, pre-2013 of course, pulling shit like this on turns

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and somehow not sending their bodies through their transmissions on recoveries like this.

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I couldn’t get enough of it. For starters, the trucks actually turn more than one direction,

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which, as it turns out, is key when it comes to making a race watchable. If your not paying attention to the race itself, you’re legitimately marveling at how these vehicles defy physics. Like, how do they get 10 feet of air and not have ANY bounce when landing back on the track? I haven’t had that much fun thinking about physics since I took that class sophomore year of high school.

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Listen, at the end of the day, football is ending whether we like it or not. I’m not going to see my family until November, so spending my time debating all things LeBron James is out of the question. This is the best thing I can think of to tide me over until next September and you best join the ride, or get left in the dust.

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