Tom Brady Is Too Old

This fuckin’ guy…


All social media has been showing me are all these clips of Tom running around making tongue in cheek comments about his age. I mean I get it, he’s mad at the implication that his age would hinder his ability to perform. But hey Tom…


You are too old.

But not in the way you want to hear it. You’re like a mobster who likes killing folks a little too much.

I know, that analogy was forced, but bear with me.

You are absolutely too old to be doing what you’re doing. But in a good way. Everyone is in awe of what you’re doing because of how old you are. The only person saying you’re too old to succeed is this asshole.


Outside of him, most quotes are along the lines of “He’s too old to be doing this. It’s unbelievable.” You keep trying to create spinzones this outrageous, you’ll be the one sitting across from Stephen A. in no time. You either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain. An amazing football coach, turned District Attorney once said that.


And do you know how I know you’re old? Because all my coworkers say I am, and I’m 27. I have to assume they’re right too, considering how much I hate their taste in music. If I’m old, you’re old.

So stop putting words in my mouth, Tom. I hate when people do that. My own words in my mouth taste like strawberries to me.

(I couldn’t find any videos of the right fruit. Babies fucking love strawberries.)

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