As I’ve said before, I’ve been living among Boston Sports fans for 9 years now. I’ve taken a lot of notes on how these people tick and I’ve got them figured out to a science. Fortunately, we’re in a great time in the calendar year. Maybe my favorite week. Super Bowl Week.
From now to Sunday, I can map out how everyone in this city will think and act. Maybe I’m writing this to help out fellow New Yorkers living in Boston. Maybe I’m just trying to let Bostonians know that I’m onto them. Who’s to say. But lets get into it.
Monday: The Best Day Of The Year
This is the most confident a Patriots fan will feel all week. A few factors contribute to this. 1. It was a bye week. Every bye week is a Pat’s fans favorite thing because they know that while they were busy watching whatever video went viral from the AFC Championship,
Bill Belichick has been sleeping in 5 second increments as he watches every tape from the regular season to Jarred Goff’s Pop Warner days. 2. A member of the opposing team will say something stupid, this year’s volunteer was Nickell Robey-Coleman,
and Pats fans will wax poetic about all the times Brady has been fueled by doubters. But most importantly, 3. everyone in this city will be buzzing from the send off rally the day before. Every year Tom gets up there, and does exactly what Tom does best: Be awkward in front of a camera.
Somehow this motivates them. Despite all my research, I haven’t found a viable or logical answer. All I know is if you can’t admit this guy is weird, you can’t keep calling Eli Manning dumb or ugly. Self-awareness is the most important thing someone can possess after all.
Tuesday: Media Day
This is a big one for Boston. They love this day a so much. Gronk will get a question from a girl in a bikini just trying to get him to say 69, (spoiler alert, he will). Tom Brady won’t give the media ANYTHING, due to a lesson he learned in 2008.
But nothing will get the fans going like a good old fashion eye roll and grumble from Bill Belichick. This is the straw that stirs the drink for the rest of the day and will carry them for the next 18 hours.
Wednesday: Local Media Shed’s Doubt
My favorite thing about New England fans is how the media works them. My advice to you is to watch ESPN with a Pats fan, assuming a Patriots segment will come up, wait an hour, then watch that fan regurgitate what they heard without any clue that it isn’t an original thought. Usually this works in their favor, but Boston is a weird city where a lot of their media personalities seemingly hate the team. The biggest culprit of this is a guy named Michael Felger.
Michael Felger, a proud Wisconson-ite (like, what), trashes almost every move the New England Patriots make. It’s a very bizarre dynamic. Every time he says something “controversial” it’s met by immediate dismissal. Scoffed off as an outsider just trying to stir up conversation. But that’s when it happens, the “what if” that exist’s in every Bostonian’s DNA due to ancestral emotional distress caused by the likes of Babe Ruth, Bill Buckner, Aaron Boone, etc. They start playing devils advocate with themselves.
“Sean McVay could be the coach of the future.”
“If the ref’s missed that call in New Orleans, what will they miss in Atlanta?”
“This is a Brandin Cooks revenge game.”
“Has anyone seen my pack of Parliaments?”
It happens like clockwork.
Thursday: Pat’s Fans Bounce Back… Kind of
While I like trashing this city and it’s people, I will give them this, they are very resilient. This city can spin anything into a good thing. I can’t tell you how many bar fights I’ve seen stop in it’s tracks because someone involved made a funny chirp. These guys can really make lemonade out of an overrated Harpoon IPA.
If they start feeling down about something, they ask anyone they can get a hold of what they think about the situation, waiting to hear what they want to hear. Once they do, they run with it.
“No dude, we’re gonna be fine. My dad’s mechanic told me he has a buddy who mopped the carpets in the Rams locker room yesterday and Jarred Goff is showing signs of mono. He might not even play.”
It’s a talent of theirs, and I envy them for it.
Friday-Saturday: The Quiet Before The Storm
These days doesn’t have a lot of talk. Fans prepare for the weekend. They’re gonna have a lot of time to think for themselves tomorrow not being at work. They have to prepare for that. For now, get through the work day, and be ready for the weekend.
Sunday: “Early To Rise And Early To Bed”- Ben Franklin, Kinda
Fans go through a roller coaster of emotions on Super Bowl Sunday. It starts with a very weak confidence that is Stephen A.-esque with takes like, “we’ll either win by 30 or it’ll go down to the final play. Or something in the middle.” It’s an astounding level of stupidity, but that’s why we love them. Around 2pm, the doubt reemerges, but they handle it differently. This time its more, “You know, if we lose this one, it’s not even a big deal. Like we’ve won every one that matters. This is just a cherry on top.”
Of course that doubt disappears at kickoff. Once Black Sabbath’s “Crazy Train” blasts on the stadium speakers, the team runs out, and all that doubt washes away. The Patriots are going to win.
Here’s where it gets bad. If the Pats lose, the fans will sit in silence for 2-3 minutes. No broken TV’s, no flipped tables, no tears, no guacamole stuck to the walls, nothing. Just silence, until one person announces “God fucking dammit!” The crowd mumbles in agreement. Within 30 minutes, the dishes are brought to the kitchen, the lights are turned off, and the city is off to bed, slightly disappointed in the end result.
If they win, the room erupts in hugs and cheers. Maybe some beer is shotgunned outside, maybe. And within 30 minutes, the dishes are brought to the kitchen, the lights are turned off, and the city is off to bed, mildly excited by the end result.
So good luck everyone, or whatever.