I’m Already Incredibly Disappointed In The Super Bowl Parade

Say what you want about Philadelphia. Say they’re classless,

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say they’re stupid for having fictional heroes,

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say dumpster pools prove that they are, in fact, trash people,

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hell, even say that gas station’s are horrible sources for food options.

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But don’t say they don’t know how to celebrate a Super Bowl. (Great Video Below)

And as much as I hate Philly, and the people that support their teams (looking at you Ted Rooney from middle school), I loved every moment of their celebration. I loved seeing a  city appreciate their good fortune and act accordingly.

And it really sucks that we aren’t going to have that this year. No matter which way you slice it, these are the two worst cities that can host a Super Bowl parade and you can’t change my mind.

First we have New England, who, based on what everyone in Boston is telling me, are 38 point underdogs going into Sunday. I’ve talked about Boston’s fandom before so I don’t want to beat a dead horse here,

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but I’m gonna do it anyway.

This will be the 2nd Patriots championship victory I’ve witnessed, and 3rd overall since moving here and I can already tell you what’s going to happen.

  • 12pm: Local reporters start tweeting out pictures of the following
    • Gronk shotgunning a Busch Light and slamming it for a few degenerate fans screaming “69!!!” from the sidewalk.
    • Brady walking to his duckboat wearing a shirt that says “7” on it, which many geniuses will point out might represent the number of Super Bowl’s he’d have if he won one more. Riveting.
    • Bill Belichick smiling
  • 1pm: The parade starts. Videos start popping up of players catching beers and drinking them as fans cheer. Man, these guys are relatable!
  • 2:30pm: The team makes it to city hall while the fans wait an hour for them to address the masses.
  • 3:30pm: The team emerges, the crowd cheers, Bill holds the trophy up as the crowd chants “4 more years, 4 more years”
    • Trump will tweet and spin this as support for him because…
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  • 3:35pm: Kraft, 7 neat scotches deep, will talk about the team, the players, the city, the team, the players, and the city again. Alcohol’s a hell of a drug.
  • 3:45pm: Others speak. Fan’s cheer.
  • 4pm: Everyone just goes back to work.

That last point isn’t a joke either. That’s what happens. Everyone just goes back to work like they got a little frisky on a lunch break. We’ve seen it before, and it’s boring.

Weird thing is, I honestly think that’ll be better than whatever Los Angeles tries to roll out. The easy joke is that no one will show up because there are no real fans. Which is true, but that doesn’t make parades stupid. History shows that the lower the crowd, the more people are going to talk about it.

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No. My concern instead is the content that comes from the parade. Los Angeles is a city filled with unoriginality. I mean look at all the movies and TV shows coming out of the entertainment capital of the world. Uneeded sequels,

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book adaptations,

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live action reboots.

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Nothing we haven’t seen before.

TV… it’s even worse.

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With that in mind, I see the same lazy approach happening here. My biggest concern is seeing the Rams throw Aaron Donald to center stage to recreate this moment.

Love Aaron Donald, seriously, love the guy. But you can’t have a 6 footer recreating a Big Aristotle pop culture staple.

What’ll be next? I don’t know. Probably dragging Ryan Gosling onto the stage to keep the tired “Goff and Gosling are twins” narrative.

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We get it.

Though it is uncanny. I mean damn.

The only thing that we’ll all get something out of would be seeing GM, Les Snead’s, hair in the California sun.

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At least there’s something we all can agree on.

So there you have it. Unappreciation or unoriginality. Pick your poison.

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