As A Slacker, I Have A Bone To Pick With Nick Foles

This story is a week old. I’d apologize for being late on this, but that would take away from the legitimacy of the title. Show me a self-proclaimed slacker that does something on time, I’ll show you a liar… who probably has a job.

Long story short, news broke last week that the Eagles were going to pick up Nick Foles $20 million option for the 2019 season. What amazing news! As a Giants fan, I can put my loyalties aside to congratulate a guy who has added a whole new understanding of “fake it till you make it.” I had to celebrate it.

But then the unthinkable happened.

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It wasn’t a celebration at all. It was a god damn trap.

Hey Nick… what the fuck dude. The only people who make that kind of money just sitting around are the guys and girls selling their start ups in Boston after Series D funding (relatable, I know). That’s the reward for sifting through countless unqualified college graduates to find the best of the best unqualified college graduates and having them do all the work. You work hard, you get lucky, you win. That’s how it goes.

And that’s exactly what you did. You worked hard to get to the NFL. You, I assume, had a steady diet of rabbits feet seasoned with salt you threw over your shoulder leading up to the Super Bowl and inexplicably won that, while starring in the most famous play in your city’s history, and now you have the unheard of ability to make life changing money to just exist, and you’re saying “no”?!

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Why? Pride? Work Ethic? Self-confidence?

Listen buddy, I don’t have any of those things and I’ve been fine. Sure, I reapply for unemployment every 6 months or so but get this; I’ve worn the same pair of flannel pants for the last three days. Jealous? I would be.

I love this life and I’m not getting paid for it.

And what are you doing? Putting on different clothes every day? Changing your sheets? Get to tell people you have a “wife” and “income”? Screw you.

Get out of here, Nick Foles.

 

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