Baseball Has My Cage So Rattled Right Now

Full Disclosure: I don’t watch a lot of baseball. I am one of those guys that says “Oh, I’d much rather go to a game than watch on TV.” But when I go, I get sunburned, drunk, realize I can’t see the ball, and stop paying attention. I did watch at the start of the Yankees dynasty at the start of the 2000s but have been bored by every non-championship season ever since.

I do not follow this sport.

Now, with that out in the open, what the fuck is happening with baseball?

From what I understand the season already started? Like a week ago? In Japan?

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I’ve done no research, but I’m assuming this is a send off for Ichiro Suzuki, who I read would retire after the series. But I don’t get that, because didn’t he retire last year?

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I can live with this one. Like, I get it. The guy is a god back home, let him play. If basketball was bigger anywhere else, I could see how cool it’d be to end Michael Jordan’s career back in Charlotte, NC or something.

But then why is every other game I’m seeing still Spring Training? And why does every spring training backstop look just like the real stadium?


(not a backstop)

It’s incredibly confusing. I’ve watched a combined 6 innings in the last week and every time it takes about 7 minutes to realize I’m watching guys with numbers between 47 and 83 that won’t be on national TV this year.

And another thing! Why is everyone playing in completely random places, and why does it seem so difficult to get there?

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Listen, there are only three reasons to go to Syracuse, NY:

1. To get a degree in journalism

2. Get diagnosed with Seasonal Affective Disorder

3. To see me play in the 2009 New York State Championship


2 catches for 15 yards. How are ya?

Oh! And speaking of the Carrier Dome, they’re actually playing a game in there, and it looks awful.

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But it doesn’t stop there. The Milwaulkee Brewers are traveling to Montreal, a city that hasn’t had a team in over a decade. Well, 99% of the Brewers are…

I have a vague memory of the Blue Jays playing there last year, I think in Montreal Expos uniforms too, which was cool. But making that a “thing” just seems insulting.

Oh and that reminds me, when the fuck is Vladimir Geurrero Jr. going to crack a roster? I’ve been watching this guy for the last three years on Instagram absolutely murdering balls.

yet every season goes by without him on SportsCenter unless it’s a grainy phone video from a batting cage. All I keep hearing about this guy is how he’s the next big thing. So… why isn’t he “big” or a “thing” yet?

And, so we’re clear, I’m not supposed to know players who aren’t in the league yet. I’m not even a casual fan. The only players I know that don’t see the field are Jacoby Ellsbury and Dustin Pedroia. So I find this ridiculous.

I have a lot of questions, no answers, and even less motivation to find those answers for myself.

Any and all help is apprecaited.

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