You Wouldn’t Catch Me Dead Playing For The New York Yankees

So the big news in baseball, right now, is the impending signing of All-Star free agent pitcher, Dallas Keuchel. Whether or not he actually signs in the very near future remains to be seen, but this is what the media is talking about. You might wonder, “why doesn’t the media focus on the games?” But then you’ll remember it’s baseball and outside of bat flips, in game action doesn’t move the needle anymore.

Anyway, the news for the last day or so has been that Dallas Keuchel’s top choice is the New York Yankees. This is intriguing because the New York Yankees have had a long standing tradition of it’s players being absent of facial hair. And Keuchel… let’s just say he’s seen clippers about as often as I’ve seen an on-time sales commission check.


This has caused issues with free agents in the past. That said, reports are out that Keuchel is now willing to shave his beard, but this is still the dumbest thing ever.

For starters, beards are in now. Doesn’t matter if you’re a hipster in Brooklyn,


An A-List Actor,


An A-List Actor/Die Hard Hockey Fan,

A Hockey Player,

Screen Shot 2019-06-05 at 3.01.48 PM.png

Or a different hockey player,


Everyone I see has a beard. This totally just isn’t a Boston Stanley Cup thing either.

So New York needs to get with the times.

Secondly, people just look better with beards. “Look good, feel good, feel good play good.” Ever heard of it?

Don’t believe me? Then explain why this toy still exists.


Look how dumb that bald face looks.


Much better.

But seriously, remember Johnny Damon before he was a Yankee?

johnny damon1.jpg

I called him a Cro-Magnan back in the day. It was meant as an insult, but I had just learned the world in 6th grade social studies, and really wanted to show it off. Anyway, I was actually excited for him to shave it because I didn’t think it looked that good. Boy,was I wrong.


You may disagree, but his numbers wouldn’t. And you can’t help but think about what kind of Yankee he could have been if he was allowed to be confident in his own skin.

Thirdly, it’s just mean to everyone who can’t grow beards. I mean, I wouldn’t know.

Screen Shot 2019-06-05 at 3.16.56 PM.png

But let’s say I did know, hypothetically.

I’d say times are changing and you better get with it or get off it. You can’t tell anyone what to wear, who to be, what to think (maybe not the last one) in 2019.

If big can be beautiful why can’t beards be Bronx Bombers?

I think it’s a disgusting show of ignorance for the time we live in, and I won’t stand for it. So consider this my official statement on the matter:

I promise no one will ever see me, at any point in my life, play for the New York Yankees.


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