Why Go To Area 51 When You Can Go To The NBA Headquarters

In the last few days, you’ve probably seen the internet petition/joke/suicide mission to invade Area 51 to see some aliens. “They can’t stop all of us,” is the mantra and it’s sound logic, really. I know the Air Force is the Air Force, and guns are guns, but a million people is a million people. I mean, have you ever seen World War Z?


But as logical as it is, it’s still a stupid decision to go.

No, not for the liklihood of mass casualties on a genocidal scale, but because it’s in New Mexico. No one goes to New Mexico unless you’re in the cast of Breaking Bad


(which, while a great resume booster, certainly puts you in a weird spot for the rest of your career.)

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or you’re Brian Urlacher.

Other than that, you better just be driving through. But as cinematic masterpiece, Rat Race, has proven, that is no easy task.

(Great fucking movie.)

My point is, it’s a complete waste of time for something we still aren’t 100% sure even contains aliens.

So why do it, especially when you can just go to New York City and visit the NBA HQ?

If you’re thinking, “There are no aliens in the NBA, what are you talking about?” Well, you simply haven’t been paying attention.

I first got suspicious of this when I watched the LA Clippers back in 2007. They were led by a guy named Sam Cassell.



Need I say more?

So I did some digging, and was stunned at my findings. Back in the 90’s, there was a documentary released about an extra-terrestrial presence in the NBA. Maybe you’ve heard of it.


It almost destroyed the league, and oddly isn’t talked about enough in today’s modern world. Like at all.

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Not a peep. Weird.

Lastly, we have to look at the head of the mothership. Adam Silver.

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I mean come on. You’re telling me this guy isn’t an alien?

I know what I’m saying isn’t exactly original, but lets look at the facts.

Fact 1: His face.

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That’s concrete evidence, and you can’t tell me otherwise.

Fact 2: He actually listens to fans and players when they ask for improvements to the league.

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If there’s one thing I know about human commissioners, it’s that they’re always right, know they’re always right, and don’t listen to anyone when it comes to making changes because they’re dumb and the commssioner is smart.


Fact 3: His face again.


Just look at it, man.

So to all million of you petition signers reading this, just don’t go. It’s boring in New Mexico, and even if you get an Alien, you’re gonna have to pay up for a baggage fee. Because let’s be honest, there’s no way you’re buying a second plane ticket for your new friend for your flight home.

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You just met each other, for god sakes.

Just go to New York City. Or turn on ESPN, lord knows they’ll be talking about basketball.

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