Breaking News: America Is Being Oppressed By Europe Again

I just got to work, my manager is out today, so I have a little bit more freedom in my internet searches for the time being.

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After I exhaust myself from going through the automated emails our IT systems send us in the middle of the night, which is always riveting stuff, I need something else to occupy my time.

Naturally, with a golf major in the works, I’m going to work tirelessly to find not go past page 1 on Google after searching “The Open Live Stream.”

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And that’s when I realized this thing has been going on since 1:30am.

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That’s kinda bullshit, no?

You’re telling me I have to wake up or stay up just to see my boy Charley Hoffman tee off? (Not kidding, I actually love this guy.)

Beyond that, you’re telling me I can’t see the likes of someone notable like Chistiaan Bezu Bezuid Gesundheit

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play becuase he’s starting his day while I’m just entering my first REM cycle?

It isn’t fair!

Lest we forget that, with timezones, the Masters is essentially primetime television across the pond. And this is how they repay us?

Listen, I work hard every day x’ing out of tabs when someone turns the corner towards my desk, okay? I deserve a little break from all the breaks I take. Considering how much more relaxed Europe is when it comes to the daily work schedule, I really take this as an insult.

Just when you think you’re on good terms with our euro bretheren, they go ahead and take us by surprise like this. Now I know how everyone felt back in 1812.

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(Once again, shout out to Mrs. Orsenigo from 7th grade social studies).

The way I see it, we’ve given the world a lot. Chinese food, pizza, chimichangas**. And we’re not getting enough respect for it.

Yeah Scottland created golf, but we perfected it. The level of golfers that we’ve produced is unmatched and I’m proud of every damn one of them.*

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*Almost every damn one of them.

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Bryson Dechambeau has always creeped me out.

So help us out, Europe. I feel like you knew this would be a problem and that’s why you dropped “British” from your name. You thought we’d forget you were involved. You wanted to throw us off the scent.

But you’re not tricking this nose.

You stink. Even if you think you don’t.

(Bonus live look at me talking to The Open)

**(bonus bonus video for reference)

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