The Washington Name Change Is So Simple

First off, hello again everyone. “Everyone” is, of course, a very loose term considering “no one” has asked why there hasn’t been a blog posted during this entire quarantine. I don’t tell people that I like that I miss them either, so it’s fine.


But with the sports world seemingly beginning to ramp up after over 100+ days of game re-run purgatory, I think it’s fair to get the twitter fingers moving once again.


There are a few things I could touch on like the NBA bubble/all expense paid resort with more amenities than an SEC football locker room, for instance. But, instead, I’d like to keep things light and talk about the retirement of the most racist name in sports.


Fun stuff, I know.

Now, this is a fun blog. I do not EVER want to get political for no other reason than politics is an absolute fun-sucker. That said, I will say, without irony, that the removal of this team name is long overdue. I give the team/Dan Snyder absolutely no credit in this move as it was only spurred by financial pressure, which was only spurred by a national movement to attack racism head on.

The negative realities of how we got here aside, I couldn’t be more supportive of this decision. Good riddance to this particular chapter of our social past.

Now back to the laughs.

With this decision finally made, the next one is, naturally, to figure out a new team name.

By all indications, Washington has been leaning towards the Washington Red Wolves,


which is fine. I don’t really care what it is, just as long as it isn’t what it has been.

That is, however, until a local real estate broker did the Lord’s work against the anti-christ that is Dan Snyder, and purchased the trademark to every conceivable name the franchise could consider.


Truly unbelievable stuff.

But, while I do not care what the new name is, NOR do I care for Dan Snyder, I do have a solution.

Dan Snyder is being very… un-Dan Snyder-y with this whole decision. The guy is the personification of fragile-ego and he combats that by ensuring he has his name and fingerprints all over every decision the team makes.

It’s always gotta be about Danny. Always has been, always will be. Or so I thought.

While this guy is scrambling to find a name that will make sure people like him, he’s missing the obvious answer that’s been under his nose the whole time.

The Washington Snyders.

I mean, why the hell not? It would be the perfect representation of what this team has been for the past two decades. It’s been the only consistent thing about this team, outside of overpaid free agents and draft bust QB’s, of course. But it’s not like you can name them the Washinton Albert Haynesworths or Washington Jason Campbells. That’s just ridiculous.

And, if Snyder were to go in this direction, he has the perfect reason why. He’s paying homage to the great Paul Brown.

The Cleveland Browns, for the unaware, were actually named after their legendary, Hall of Fame Coach, Paul Brown. Under Brown they won 8 championships while a member of the AAFC and the NFL. After decades of greatness, Brown was relieved of his duties. Naturally, after so much success, an ending so unceremonious left him angry. So what did he do? He moved to Cincinnati, Ohio and made a team with the same initals as the Cleveland Browns in the Cincinnati Bengals, with the same color scheme, in the same state.

The result? A piss poor team that has done nothing but trip over their own shoe laces time and time again.

Just like Washington.

Screen Shot 2020-07-16 at 2.42.04 PM.png

So that’s my pitch. Avoid paying some real estate broker buyout money, keep your ego high, protect the NFL shield, and still have a name that offends an entire population.

That’s Washington bingo, right there.


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