I know I missed you. After over a year of opting for naps as my escape from work, I’ve decided to dust off the ol’ twitter fingers and do what I do best, share my opinion on the internet.
While this football season has given us many narratives that we’ve accepted as yearly occurances like the Texas Longhorns not being back, Bill Belichick being the eqivalent of Kanye West in terms of avante garde fashion,
and my crippling gambling debt, there’s been one that we’ve been without.
I speak, of course, of none other than the whacky and family fun hyjinx of Tampa Bay Buccaneers wide receiver, Antonio Brown. The same Antonio Brown who was sued for throwing furniture off a 14 story balcony, almost hitting a toddler, the same Antonio Brown who was pulled over going 100mph near the scene of a bank robbery, the same Antonio Brown who had a sex tape leaked of him, that I totally didn’t find on reddit.
After two years of ridiculousness, Antonio seemed to finally quiet down and focus on playing football instead of playing himself. Once he signed with the Buccaneers last season, all of it went away. Anyone that’s watched football for the last 20 years knew why, Tom Brady, but were unaware to the extent of his methods of influence.
Turns out it was pretty severe, as it was later reported that Brown was living with the quarterback in an effort to get his act together. And that was that. Poof. Issues gone.
Tom Brady became the Jamie Spears to Brown’s Britney and it worked out so well that I think we might need to rethink Britney’s newly acquired freedom. Because look at what happens, all the sudden you’re not paying your personal chef and become outted as a fake vaccination card holder. You become a person that is Toxic, in a very literal sense. Something Britney knows all to well.
So it begs the question, are conservartorships actually bad? I’d contend “no.” It’s become very in vogue in today’s society to say “it’s okay to not be okay,” and that just couldn’t be farther from the truth. I mean the contradiction residing in those six short words is astounding. Plus, no one’s okay today anyway, and look what’s going on in the world. We have a supply and demand crisis, The Office is no longer on Netflix, and Daylight Savings time is still a thing. Would you say it’s okay? No. And if you think everything’s okay you’re either very stupid, or very lucky.
So lets do the right thing and get Antonio Brown back to paying rent to TB12 LLC and, at the very least, check on Britney Spear’s vaccination status. Because last I checked, vaccinations aren’t available for house calls.